Cat Lady Update

Well, it's official and I'm ok with it. Like a recent mother of a guy I dated in his 30s said, "there's probablly a reason why she's not been married." Actually there is, thanks for asking mother in law I'm lucky to dodge.

I'm not willing to settle. My 20s were pretty insane relationship wise. I lived with and loved 3 different men. I learned a lot, and still love all of them. They were not however marriage material. Perhaps it's because I focused on my career, and was taught that was a safe space I could create in case I ever ran into unpredictable men. I have, and it is.

I've had to give my obsession to have a child to God. I'm still open, and fertility wise good for another 5 years according to the IVF doctor. I just am trying to be alligned to God's plan for me. I would love to have a family, but it would have to be with one pretty incredible man/woman. I would need to trust that If I passed my kids woud be ok and well taken care of without me. I have yet to meet that person.

Basically I discovered it's not something I would want to do "all by myself." I would need a teammate and the support and love of a partner who wants children as bad as I do. Someone who wouldn't shame me for my advanced maternal age which seems to be a pretty common thing. Also as it's been shown to me, unless it's of God's will and plan it will not work out anyhow. So I'm ok with being a cat lady for the time being, even if it's forever. What is the harm in that?

I have yet to find it. Of course I don't want to "die alone." But really who does, and is love or kids a guarantee we will be taken care of anyway. How many kids would I need to have to guarantee that, lol. Too many to count most likely. I found that we're never really alone. God showed me that on my crazy excursions as a solo primitive camper. There is always our little bug friends. As my love and appreciation for them, birds, and nature has increased....so has their love towards me.

I finished nursing school, and am now working in a hospital on a progressive care unit. I'm still in a paid training program for another 6 weeks. It's been so amazing so far. I have a "preceptor" who is such a gift of a nurse and human being. I'm learning so much from her about how to handle hyped up patients, and set healthy boundaries. Shes such a quick thinker, and is going to make a great nurse practitioner.

I've seen some stuff, and it's knarly. But it makes me appreciate the gift of health that I have. Also which procedures to avoid, and how important it is not to get diabetes. But if it happens, how it's not a death sentence anymore with our great technology, and how important it's managed well. I learned a lot in nursing school about the disease. How sugar molecules in the blood are like spikes that damage blood vessels and organs. When they are not brought down by insulin, and out of the blood they are causing a ton of damage.

We were taught and now I've seen how the blood can't get to the skin, toes, or eyes when these vessels are damaged. The result is crazy, open wounds that won't heal, black toes, blindness, and most recently, a heel needing to be removed. It's insane, if there ever was a reason to get serious about getting this excess weight off it's now. It's really my last and hardest addiction to quit.

It's so easy to eat some sugar and get that instant mood boost. But lately it is putting me right to sleep after, and I almost positive I'm prediabetic the wierd way my body reacts to sugar. My eyes get fuzzy and red, and the effect is over almost instantely. I lost 25 lbs with Weight Watchers or WW, and it was all about monitoring my sugar and carbs. It was hard as hell. I honestly think it was the first time I said no to dessert. I found out I didn't die ;)

Some part of my mind still is lying to me that it will make life so much harder without our little crutch. I have to walk to my car after work and see my big belly sticking out. I am absolutely an apple. When I get into it, I love it though. I did learn that it doesn't really help you lose weight. All of that is diet.

I love this new schedule where I work 3 days a week, and have 4 off. Technically it's more like 3 after you count in the days your catching up on your sleep, but I'll take it. It allows me the time to take good care of myself again, the way I could not in nursing school. I'm doing trauma therapy, and learning a lot about my internal family system. I'll do another post after i do some more research. But basically there are these parts of me that attempt to protect me from harm, and do not listen to reason. My little inner child has all these big bad ass friends, or other parts that show up to protect her. While they are very much appreciated, they are being shown that I've got it from here now.

I moved out and am staying at a friends house. I'm here a lot by myself, but I really love the peace an quiet. I just got internet today, and had gone a month maybe 2 without any internet or cell reception. It was a good break from the world, but it's also good to be outta that information dessert. I see now I can take it or leave it, unlike a lot of people. I love books so I guess that's my saving grace. I'd much rather put on music and read a book. That's my true and original escape. My whole mind and senses are occupied and it's heaven.

It's actually what I'd do when I worked out doing cardio and loved it. I know I'll be bringing that smutty romance and my headphones to the gym soon. You can't beat that high, for reals. Accupuncture has been really helpful as well. I need to get my parasympathetic nervous system back in the driver's seat. It's so crazy there's all these nerve endings connected the spine and central nervous system. The accupuncture needles basically speak to the different parts of the immune system to bring it back into balance. The miracles I've experienced deserves a whole new post.

The accupuncture school is my first love, and solution for every and all health problems. Going to school for it would be the ultimate act of self care. I found out recently that addiction to education is a thing. I see that, but I just have so many interests and ideas all the time. When I say some of them out loud, I sometimes get crazy looks. Like the whole no internet or cell service for 2 months. The other nurse at work aI told in the break room stared at me like I was pathetic. when I shared that, said non-verbally...."you I had to get it to complete trainings for next week so they don't send me home, but I didn't hate it. It was very renewing to be alone with myself, thoughts, feelings, and get a good handle of where I am and want to be. To be continued, hopefully sooner than 4 months this time....pics to follow.