Single with Baby Fever in my early 40s

First off, I had no idea how many people have viewed my blog since I first started in 2017. All over the world even. I took pictures I'll share it's crazy, 1,300 people and in a gizillion countries.

I found the one viewed the most, my dog's bladder cancer was my MOST GUT WRENCHING one of all. It seems people like honesty. And this is why I started this blog. To cope with my feelings, the stuff people like to keep hidden.

Keeping it hidden feels like it's suffocating me. So I guess it's time to get gut wrenchingly honest again. It's quite cathartic. I am an empath. I feel things really deeply, and am psychic where I feel energy.

I had a boyfriend in college who got into a car accident and had sciatica really bad down his legs where he couldn't walk. I don't know if it's because we were living together/having sex but our energies got really entangled. Anyhow it got to where I couldn't seperate his energetic body from my and it felt like I had pain running down my body. We had to break up.

I remember thinking, what a stupid reason to break up. I had such poor boundaries energetically I couldn't seperate or shield my energy from his. I learned later, grounding and how to rid myself of other's energy through meditation and chakra work. It hasn't been easy though. So here I am in nursing school, in the hospital on the bariatric surgery(i.e cut your stomach in a third and sew it back together) and then make it connect to the small intesting. Crazy, but it works. Or the back surgery floor, talk about pain that is sooo visceral. Prob the worst pain I've ever encountered, probablly from all the nerve endings. So yes, this new chapter has been quite a challenge.

I worked as a "caregiver" in a dementia home with 12 residents. Basically it was a LPN job without the title, and I frickin loved it. It was amazing being able to take care of these beautiful souls and let them know their value when the world "couldn't handle it." They were like little children that just wanted love and help. For whatever reason, that's hard for a lot of people. Maybe it's the codependent in me, but I think it was such an honor to be there for the elderly in their last years of life. The poop and pee is just temporary when you see the bigger picture of how you are serving the Lord. Maybe it's because I don't have children, it really fulfilled that maternal urge.

I graduate in a month, and it literally is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. As you all know, I've been many things as a purveor of life experiences. Business woman, teacher, therapist, and now nurse. I may not have the money, but boy have I had the experiences from a professional stand point. Growing up in my family where my parent's are both highly educated professionals(M.D, and A.R.N.P)I felt I had to live up to some sort of standard. No idea why my ego made me think that. I honestly looking back would been just as happy with raising a house full of kids and love.

It was stressed growing up, that college was the most important thing and establishing yourself as a professional. My mother met my father in an ER in Charleston, WV. My dad was the unit secretary(I know what that means now ;), and my mom was a nurse. Don't get it twisted, my dad was already a bad ass in his own right. He was an airborne ranger, fought in korea and vietnam, Notre Dame, and West Point grad but still finding his footing I suppose. He says he wanted to be a social worker at first, sounds familiar, lol. Anyhow love happened in the ER, and I guess my dad was inspired to be a doctor. My mom ended up putting my father through medical school at West Virginia University where my uncle and aunt behind him both went. Go mountaineers!!! My dad was from a huge family, which he was the oldest. My grandma Katy, his mom had 8 kids; and my mothers mom grandma Janette(both my sister's names)had 5 of which my mom was the youngest.

So in that backstory, for whatever reason having a lot of kids was somewhat looked down upon. Maybe after years of repression of the catholic church where they couldn't use birth control. My mom was a child of the 60s, dad of the late 50s. I'm not quite sure, but I never got the message pregnancy or kids was a good thing. I still find that strange, the undercurrents of childhood. Where things aren't said, but still implied subconsciously. There was this visceral fear that was implanted of getting pregnant young. I didn't even lose my virginity till 18. My first kiss at 16. I had something to prove for some reason before I got into all that.

Anyhow, fast forward to 37 when my identical twin sister Katy gets pregnant. I literally had no idea how amazing it was. I remember being jealous of all the attention she was getting being pregnant and not really realizing how a baby was like a real human being even at that tiny age. I mean he legit came out with this huge personality. Before I even really met him or gave his a chance I used to call him "it". I can't even believe I was so unknowledgeable about babies and young kids. It was such an amazing experience seeing him grow from this helpless little baby, to the sweet sassy young man he is now at 4. I miss how fast it all went, and how beautiful the whole process was. Little things like the first time he had ice cream at McDonalds with my older sister Janette and I. It was just a vanilla cone, but his eyes almost popped out of his head. It was so adorable I wish we would have recorded it. He loved it sooo much, and he still loves vanilla the best just like his Ga Ga, my mom.

And I want a child, but I watched how much my mom struggled being a single parent after my parent's got divorced when I was 8. I want to have a baby and be able to spend a significant amount of time for at least their first 3 years of life. I think it makes such a HUGE difference in their personality. Aiden is soooo secure in how much he is loved by my sister. He has such a loving heart, where he really cares about other's feelings. I remember how upset he used to get when other kids would fight or even we would. He would jump in the middle and start yelling at everyone to stop. It actually worked and my mom realized her yelling was affecting him. We really yell a lot less since he straightened everyone out. It's funny, you assume because they are a kid they don't teach you anything. He teaches me so much about how to see the world and what's really important in life.

So I don't want to raise a child on my own without a partner. Now that part, all these men have their own things going on and don't seem to have any room for a wife and a child at 40. I don't blame them, I kinda missed that boat being such a "professional." I graduated college at 22, finished my first master's at 24, and began teaching high school at 23. I guess that maternal urge was always filled by my jobs with kids. I taught until I had a mini midlife crisis at 27. It was the perfect storm, a very difficult special education reading class(with mental problems and couldn't read). Realizing that I was failing them by not knowing how to teach reading, and they were dropping out in middle school. I felt so powerless to help, but at the same time saw how the education system had failed them. I then decided to go back for my second and third masters degrees in Reading Education and Mental Health Counseling. Probablly because I felt I owed those kids better.

I also was in the throes of an unhealthy relationship with physical and mental abuse, and the beginnings of an alcohol/drug addiction that was beginning to get out of control. Taking the morning after pill and having psychosis from it probablly didn't help either. It was a good time in my 20s, somewhat. When I got sober at 29, everyone was very grateful to say the least. It didn't stick all the way untill 32. And in the first few years of my sobriety, maybe 5 I was just trying to stay sane and alive. I was in no place for a relationship, or child. I did do very well as a mental health counselor for 3 years in schools and homes. I was very proud of the work I did and even had kids call and tell me what a difference I made.

Where does that leave me though, not knowing I want kids till at least 38. The partner thing, well that a whole other thing. I went to codependents anonymous to work on becoming stronger without needing to cling to my twin, or a relationship. Being attached to my family is still a work in progress. I've come a long way, but at this point don't know if kids are in the cards for me without a teammate and partner. I'd love to say I could do it alone, but I know myself better. I keep praying for a man to step up to the plate, but it hasn't happened. Being in all female fields for the last 20 years has not helped either. If it's in God's plans it will hopefully work out. If I'm not meant to have kids naturally, I'm open to adoption at least with that there is usually a community around the kids for support i believe. I'd love to hear any experiences of other single women in their 40s and what they have done.