I love my tribe and life today! My mom gave me my chip for my 9 yrs and it was so meaningful. Her giving up hope after my 5th or 6th relapse was my bottom. I could see in her eyes she had lost hope for me to stay sober. I honestly didn't have it myself either.
I had NO IDEA why I couldn't stay sober after working steps and going to meetings. I also was on methadone/Suboxone. It was good to step down and I stopped looking for a fix. But without complete abstinence I was unable to do the spiritual work to make the psychic change that was necessary for lasting sobriety.
It was awful not having the willpower to stop. After a trip to jail for a driving on a suspended license I told my mom to leave me there cuz I didn't trust what I would do. I was powerless. I didn't know myself anymore the addiction (cravings/obsession for more) was in charge, not me.
It was sooo scary and I heard God telling me in there I needed to change everything because I didn't have a lot of chances to live left. I went to a 12 step mtg there, and after asked to be transferred to the recovery dorm. It was a beginning and I cried when I read about my life being unmanageable, and wondering how a nice, Catholic school girl like me could end up being there.
I'd.like to say it stuck but I still had to try different "ways" to order it and manage it. They didn't work. In '2012 after a detox in the hospital, and pitting edema/difficulty walking in both legs my mom told me I could go to rehab or be on the streets. I chose rehab, and I even had to figure out how to pay for it myself. Miracles were all around.
It took a stint at my 1st rehab for 45 days to realize I had no discipline and had to be taught how to stay sober, a spiritual daily routine, and choosing to put God/my recovery 1st. I still do the same.things that worked then.
I pray for God to help me stay sober, I ask him to direct my thinking/day, giving my will over, and trust he can run the show better than I can through years of proof it's the easier, softer, way. I ask God to remove any defects of my character that stand in the way of helping others. And prob more importantly I continue to look at my behavior by doing self inventory and see where there's patterns of willfulness, selfish, and self seeking behavior. They get easier to see and feel really bad the less I do them.
I make ammends to myself and others to improve my behavior, and try to be a better person than the day before. It's a 180 from who I used to be, the tornado roaring through people's lives on my crazy self will. I look at my eyes from them and it scares me how much evil was in charge and almost won.
Satan still tries to disrupt my peace, but I know whose child I am and pray for help. Finally my recovery network.has been key to me learning new behaviors and how to change my old ones. Countless women have sacrificed their time sponsoring me and teaching me how to be a woman of grace and dignity.
I always still stay honest with at least one person about my behavior and still sometimes impulsive ideas. I stay teachable and humble, because I know this sobriety is such a gift so many of my friends have lost the battle and teach me to keep putting in the work.
I'm so blessed to live an amazing, peace filled, life in which I know that all my dreams are now possible because I know whose leading me, and he is a good father. I used to cringe and rebel at Christian music, now I realize that God isn't fighting me to control me. He wants the best for me always, I just have to have a little trust and miracles happen all around me.
I don't see them if I'm not keeping myself in the moment. This has been the biggest practice to gain peace. I wished the brainstorm the best, but he was no good for me. I had to learn the disease (obsession and compulsion) centers in the mind. It can take many forms, but avoidance of feelings is usually the cause. Once I sit and let them pass I realize they looked scarier than they were and it wasn't going to break me.
God is love and all around. I had to stay out of things that don't concern me, or stay in my hula hoop as one sponsor taught me. Life is Soo much better today, and I don't forget it takes work everyday to keep this peace in my spirit.
(Jesus Calling, Our Daily Bread, Life Recovery Bib)
I actually see the trees and notice the birds. I have the extra energy because I don't waste it trying to be in control. And it's the best thing I ever did. I wish u peace and blessings on your journey.
The struggle is an illusion, God doesn't want that for us. Everything really Is Alright in this moment, he brings order out of chaos. It just looks like that to us, there is a plan for our greater good behind things that look like struggle. In this moment everything has an order to it! Look at the sun, moon, and stars😘. Did the orderly being that made all that, and each snowflake unique forget something I need to figure out, hmmm probably not🤣😂🤗
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