I got Covid

Well it's 4am, and I hope I can sleep soon. I wanted to share a little bit about my experience with Covid. The first thing I noticed symptom wise, was this intense pain and pressure behind my eyes. I've never really been a person who gets headaches, but damn. It went on for 3 days, where I was like, am I having an anurism or something. 

 I told my mom about it, then about 3 days after that I started to get this pain in the middle of my chest where I couldn't get a deep breath. It was like no matter what i did I couldn't breathe. I was hitting inhalers, everything. Thank God my mom is a nurse practitioner, and knows someone who could get me the meds on a Saturday. It was like a miracle getting the hydrochloraquine, and finally being able to take a deep breath.

 It was like 3 days of not breathing, going around telling the 2 smokers in my house. You should really appreciate being able to breath. It was a little scary honestly, especially after concurrently going over the respritory chapter in nursing school. Honestly being in nursing school is a little terrifying in general. You think you have everything, to the point after one crazy 30 hr weekend of school in 3 days, I was pulling down my pants having my mother check my ass closely for pressure sores to make sure my skin was blanching. It does that to you. 

We really see and talk about this stuff...to the bone

Talk about the wrong time to be going over the respritory chapter. Anyhow, I am still up because of this damn Covid headache. I was pushing on my head for 5 minutes and luckily my vision came back. I've never had anything that wouldn't go away, and after around 12 days, I'm over it. It doesn't seem lI ike anything is helping the pain. I am honestly getting fed up with it, the hot and cold fluctuations, and tiredness/bad mood. I always have such a positive attitude about life, and it's been hard to even wash my face/brush my teeth since this all happened. I'm not used to not having the energy to put on makeup, and so many days now. 

It's also so hard being a drug addict during Covid. I had no idea how good I had it. I'd go to 3-4 good meetings a week, where I saw my recovery friends and would get inspired by other's program/the literature. Now it's like everyone has dissapeared into a hole, and it's so sad. I almost have 9 years of sobriety, and want to make it to 10 but between the stress/isolation/and bipolar mood swings I don't know if it'll happen. But if I continue to pray, get honest, and ask for help I will, I'm no quitter.

I don't want to die, and it seems so black and white sometimes, but other times I'm like I just want all this pain to stop and I'll worry about my recovery tomorrow. I don't want to let anyone down, but I'm really tired of the fight. I get so dissapointed with life too. 

I just turned 41, and want a child(was pregnant last summer and lost it...9 wks) so bad but I don't even have the time or effort to put into finding a partner. That's why I'm going to nursing school so I can support a child on my own. I think recently maybe I should just go back to teaching or counseling. I miss working and feeling good about myself and ability to bring in money. I've been on unemployment since September and $150/wk is really hard to make work. 

Nursing school is about half way over, and I know I want/need to finish but I'm so tired. Anyhow, just a late night rant. Maybe someone can get something out of this. Maybe not. I'm sorry if it's not very positive, but that's where I'm at right now.